Ethics 101: Human Experimentation
by R. Winter
Summary: Abed is trying to win a Willy Wonka Sweepstakes by creating the perfect candy. However, their candies are having unintended effects on the study group and on Greendale as a whole. J/A
1. Chapter 1

Abed, Annie, Troy, Shirley, and Jeff were seated around the study table.

"No, I don't like that movie at all," Troy stated with deep conviction. "Abed, I don't want to do this sweepstakes. I mean, a chocolate river-lake practically ate a german boy. There's racism in there somewhere, I know it."

"I don't know," Shirley said thoughtfully. "I liked it. Sinful children and their terrible parents getting their rightful punishment? Very biblical and Christian, in my opinion."

"That's pretty dark," Annie contributed with a sideways look at Shirley. "And pretty old testament. Aren't you Christians and your alleged son of God supposed to be all about forgiveness?"

"Yes, but an eye for an eye does have its place."

"I liked it," Jeff added. "That golden goose girl, she got what she wanted out of life." His feet were propped up on the table as he thoroughly inspected each of his fingernails.

Britta flew into the room, a whirlwind of utter disorganization. Like usual.

"That's funny, you remind me of her a little," she said to Jeff with a glare.

"You couldn't possibly know what we're talking about," he said. "And thanks!"

"If it's a girl, then I know you must be similar to her," she replied, throwing her things on the table with a loud thump and sitting down. "What page are we on?"

The group stared. Then, they all laughed.

"Good one, Britta," Troy said. "I don't even know what class we're in."

"I'm glad you're here," Abed started, turning to Britta. "I need all of your help on our new project."

He put down his pencil, drew a large purple top hat out of a hidden duffel bag on the floor, and placed it on his head.

Jeff looked up. "A little on the nose, don't you think?"

"I'm applying for the Willy Wonka Sweepstakes. If I win, I get to travel to the famous and mysterious Wonka factory. Nobody ever goes in, nobody ever goes out."

"You know that's not a real place, right," Jeff said, continuing to give Abed a hard look.

Troy scoffed, leaning towards Abed, "He sounds like Slugworth. He's probably a spy."

Jeff rolled his eyes and went back to his cuticles.

"Don't worry, he'll be Grandpa Joe soon enough. Here you go, you each get one." Abed pushed seven small, black-wrappered candies across the table.

"Oh, these look fun," Shirley said with a coo.

"I picked out the wrappers," said Pierce proudly.

"Oh my God, are these old condom wrappers?" Annie asked. The entire group immediately dropped their candy. Then they all looked at Annie.

"Oh please," she said, looking disgustingly at her candy. "I recognize them from outside of my apartment building."

"I'm short on budget," Abed said quickly. "I blew it all on my candy machine, so Pierce offered to sponsor the wrappers. Pierce, I don't know if the effect will be like Viag—"

"That's enough, A-bed. I got extra magnum because, obviously," Pierce said, gesturing at Troy.

No one understood.

"He's black, dummies."

"They're clean, right?" Jeff asked. "Or were you short on budget there, too?"

"Of course!" Pierce said. "I got them all new at the corner store. You should've seen the look on the cashier's face."

"Let me guess, disbelief?"

"Impressed!" he shouted defensively.

"Was it a man?"

"It was a woman, damn it!"

Annie tried to shake off the creepiness, quickly removed the wrapper from her candy, and discarded it on the table. Everyone began to do the same, leaving the table littered with balled up condom wrappers.

"So familiar," she said looking at the table with a cringe.

"How did you go through this many condoms?" Jeff asked.

"Jealous?" said Britta, opening her candy. Jeff shot a nasty look at her.

"Not how you would think, Jeff. We had a few different ides, you know, the usual. Condom outfits, condom puppets—" Abed said, counting off on his fingers.

"Condom volleyball," interrupted Troy.

"But ultimately we decided to cover everything in the apartment. In condoms."

"Everything?" Annie asked, her mouth falling open.

"Chair legs, lamps, action figures—"

Troy took out a condom covered water bottle. He twisted off the top and began to drink.

"Now that's just too easy," Jeff said.

"Ribbed," Pierce pointed out.

"What? It stops leaks," Troy said defensively.

"It better," Jeff stated as he held up his candy. It was a small square of what looked like dark chocolate. "Will it taste like latex?"

"That's what she said," said Pierce, looking around. No one laughed. "Right?"

Ignoring him, Jeff continued, "And, more importantly, is it low calorie?"

Britta examined her candy slowly. "Abed, you didn't experiment on animals, did you?"

"Of course not, Britta. Animals are harder to read than humans, I didn't want to risk contaminating my sample data. Humans first. And they're 38 calories."

"Not bad."

"Can I take some of these home for my boys?" Shirley asked. "Without these godless wrappers, of course."

"Well, we're not quite sure what the effects will be yet."

"Effects?" Shirley and Pierce said at the same time, Shirley scared, Pierce excited.

"It states very specifically in the Willy Wonka sweepstakes that the candies need to have 'Wonka-like' effects."

"Oh," said Pierce deflated.

"So, flying, becoming a human blueberry, putting you on TV, and everlasting candy are out, which leaves us a world of infinite possibilities."

"Impossibilities," said Jeff.

"Okay, everyone. On the count of three, everyone eat your candies, and I'm going to document the effects."

Abed checked everyone around the study table. "One, two, three, SNOZBERRIES!"

The study group all popped the candies into their mouths, chewing slowly. Annie was the first to swallow.

"Not bad," Annie started. "A little heavy on the—oh wait—"

There was a swoosh of air, punctuated by several high and low notes, like an inflating balloon shooting across the room. It was easy to identify the culprit. Everyone looked at Annie. She'd farted.

Pierce laughed.

"Did you just-?" Troy said, after swallowing the last bit of his candy. He stopped made an extremely uncomfortable face, much akin to severe stomach pain. It was too late.

Pierce's laughing was also abruptly interrupted as two more noises tore the room. Troy's fart was high while the other was bold, loud, and completely unapologetic. They all looked at Pierce.

"What? Nothing new here."

"I, well," Annie said. She stared down at the table. Then, she collected her things slowly and walked dignifiedly out of the room.

Abed's fart came third, almost identical to Troy's, but in a different octave. He felt momentarily saddened that they hadn't farted at the same time. Their farts could've harmonized.

Jeff and Britta looked at each other, a look filled with the sad knowledge of what was to come. Jeff screwed up his face, desperately trying to fight it off. But the fart was far stronger than he, a true adversary. It came loose like a freight train, like steam shooting out of his ears. He'd felt like he'd farted out of every orifice.

It was mortification.

After it was over, Jeff looked at Britta again, who hadn't moved at all. And then at Shirley.

"What? Why?" Jeff stammered. "How?"

"I held it in," said Shirley.

"Me too," Britta chimed in, high pitched.

"WHAT?!" He stood up from the table. "That had to take YEARS off your life!"

"I don't fart in front of anyone! I don't care how close we are!" Shirley said, gathering her things in a rage. "I'd rather die," she glared hatefully at everyone and stormed out of the room.

"Abed! How could you give us that candy?!" said Troy pleadingly.

"That's completely unethical! Did you even know what could've happened? That fart could've killed Shirley!" Jeff added.

"Look, I didn't know it would do that," he said defensively his hands in the air. "I'll change up the recipe."

"No way," said Jeff. "I am not having anything else for your made up sweepstakes."

There was an uncomfortable silence. No one looked at one another.

"I lied!" Britta yelled suddenly to the room. "I didn't hold it in! It was silent!"

"OH MY GOD!" said Troy. "It just hit me! If I vomit, will it also taste like Britta's fart?"

"You're the worst!" Pierce yelled through his shirt.

"I knew it was you at the model UN!" Jeff shouted, pointing at her. "I'm out of here," he rushed out of the room, Troy and Pierce in tow.

"It's a curse!" she shouted after them, standing up. She turned back to Abed, the only remaining member of the study group still at the table.

"It's a curse."

…..

The next day, Troy and Abed sat at the study table, a plastic bag of candy sitting in front of them.

"You know, I always thought if I got to fart in front of everyone, it would've been different."

Abed looked at Troy thoughtfully, and put his hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, buddy. I'm glad it'll just be you here to watch this time."

"Well, I'm not sure if this batch will have the same effect."

Abed counted out several pale yellow candies that looked very similar to cough drops.

"My theory is chocolate was the bad ingredient there, so I made something vastly different."

Troy picked one up, inspecting it closely and thinking hard.

"Anything could happen," Abed stated gravely.

Troy looked back at him seriously. "Anything?"

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"Yeah," Troy nodded, initiating their special handshake. As they moved to eat the candy, Jeff happened to walk behind them, just outside of the study room glass. He stopped, smiling. This would be good.

As they chewed and swallowed, Abed and Troy looked at each other, and then around the room.

"Do you feel any different?"

"No, I don't feel anything."

They waited a few seconds longer.

"Still nothing here," Abed said.

"Wait," Troy stopped him. "Nevermind, just a butt itch."

"I don't understand, I designed this candy with my machine. There should definitely be an effect."

Even Jeff was confused.

"Hm, maybe we need to take more, maybe we—" But Troy stopped talking, a strange, confused expression coming over his face.

Abed wore the exact same expression, but then seemed to snap back to reality. He looked down at the candies, and then back at Troy.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

Troy seemed to gain his bearings as well and looked sternly back at Abed.

"Yeah," he nodded, initiating their special handshake.

They reached out for the candy again. They chewed and swallowed.

This confused Jeff even more.

"Do you feel anything?" Abed asked after a few moments.

"No, I don't feel anything."

"Still nothing here," Abed said.

"Wait—" Troy said, jumping up. "Nevermind, just my phone in my back pocket."

"Well, there should definitely be something happening. I designed this candy myself."

"How did you even make these?"

"Well, much like the real Willy Wonka, I designed a machine that uses gym socks, and old toys, to make the perfect taste combi—"

And then there it was again. The confused looked passed over their faces, and Abed turned to Troy. Again.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"Yeah," Troy said.

No way, Jeff thought. Both Abed and Troy were forgetting everything that happened. That was it! Jeff whipped out his phone and began to time.

"No, I still don't feel anything."

"Wait," Troy said. "No, just gas."

This was amazing. Jeff had to get hold of that candy.

"Maybe we should just eat more—" Troy began.

Exactly fifty seven seconds. It wasn't long, but it was something. Fifty seven seconds where a person completely forgets what has happened prior.

"Are you sure you're rea—wait a second," Abed stopped, putting a finger on the table.

Jeff snapped up. Not good.

"I made 15 candies, and now we only have 11."

"What?"

Abed checked his watch. "Almost five minutes have gone by."

"Woah," Troy said. "Wormhole? Time travel?!"

"Maybe," he started slowly. "Or something else. Either way, we need more data. Let's go to the AV room and get a camera."

No, no, no. They were going to take his babies. His preciouses.

Jeff crouched behind the glass, as Abed and Troy got up. He was still about 5 feet tall, not hidden at all, but luckily they didn't look to the left as they exited the room. He immediately ran in, checking the table.

Yes! YES! A thousand times yes! They'd left the bag on the table. Jeff quickly snatched it and ran out of the room.

The possibilities. The endless possibilities. He could cheat, lie, AND steal. What all could he do in 57 seconds? He had 11 drops total, so his uses were numbered. He needed to use them sparingly and with great purpose.

His luck was finally changing.

But he had to remember, people still came back after a minute, he couldn't take them very far. Or really change too much in the scenery in the mean time. He would have to set a timer to make sure that everything was back in place.

Oh, he had plans and he was planning.


	2. Chapter 2

The study group was heading into the cafeteria for a late lunch, which meant that the food was picked over, hardened, and congealing. But Jeff didn't care. He held back a moment at the water fountain, pretending to drink. Pierce was the last to make it to the doors behind everyone else.

Jeff checked to make sure no one was around. Not a soul. Perfect.

"Hey Pierce, Abed and Troy gave me some of their experiment candy."

"Yeah?" Pierce eyed him suspiciously, letting the door close behind him.

"They said it's supposed to have that effect you were looking for? I don't know what that means."

"Really?" Pierce said walking back to him and leaning in closer. He plucked one of the pale lemon drops out of the bag.

"Why don't we just keep this between you and me?"

"Definitely."

Pierce looked around, not unlike Jeff had just done moments ago, and quickly popped the drop into his mouth. Jeff waited patiently for him to swallow and casually pressed a black button on his watch. After he was sure Pierce was finished, he got down on one knee, pulled back his fist, and junk punched him.

Pierce fell to the floor with a loud yell. Jeff stood back up, a maniacal expression on his face.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that. All the times I've fantasized, all the times I've resisted."

He circled him, wanting to get this visual from a full 360 degrees.

"I hate you," he continued. "I wish I could wake up every morning and plan new and different ways to punch you RIGHT in the balls."

"Gay…" Pierce wheezed through his pain.

"Yeah, that's right," Jeff said, crouching beside him. "Call me whatever you want. I plan to do this as many times as it takes to fill the soulless, selfish vaccum you've created in this group. You ruin everything fun, you make everyone feel bad, and you want to know the worst part? I'm scared that I'll end up just like you: alone, mean, old, and STILL at Greendale. And—"

His watch alarm went off softly, interrupting him. He looked down.

"Oh," he said pressing the button. "Time flies when you're having fun. Here, let me give you a hand."

"What?" Pierce finally managed to breathe. He seemed to be recovering.

Jeff ignored him, grabbing his arm and forcing him onto his feet. Pierce allowed him, though with an appropriate degree of confusion and hurt. He dusted off Pierce's shoulders and tried to position him just as he had been.

"Why did you—? " Pierce started, but a blank expression replaced the pained one. He looked around after a moment and seemed to remember where he was.

"So, where are they?" he asked grimacing and adjusting his pants uncomfortably.

Jeff looked down, pretending to rifle through his pockets. "Oh, I guess I don't have them with me."

"Well, get it together next time, Winger."

Pierce turned away towards the cafeteria door, limping slightly. Jeff would revisit that memory often for as long as he lived.

With a huge smile on his face, he grabbed a burger. Calories didn't matter right now and made his way towards the others. Abed and Troy were the last to sit down at the table, clearly having been in deep discussion.

"So, how's the sweepstakes going?" Britta asked with thinly veiled annoyance.

"Well, we made a second batch, but we seemed to have misplaced them."

"Yeah, has anyone seen them?" Troy asked.

Jeff took a large bite of his burger. Everyone else shook their head.

"Yeah, we can't find them. So we tried to recreate them, but we got something totally different."

Abed set a small bag of candies on the table. They were rectangular shaped and bright red, nothing like the candy Jeff had swiped. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Another try, ladies?" Troy asked.

He was assaulted with a chorus of No's, Absolutely Not's, NUH UH's from Shirley, Annie, and Britta.

"What sweepstakes?"

Everyone jumped. Chang had been standing behind their table for an indiscernible amount of time, bowl of popcorn in hand.

Jeff motioned to Troy and Abed. "These idiots are testing out candy for a made up Willy Wonka competition."

"It's not made up," Abed said.

Chang snatched the bag off of the table, eyeing them closely.

"I'd be careful if I were you. They have side effects," Abed warned, anticipating the clear desire on Chang's face to eat all of them.

"Like what?"

"Uncontrollable farting," Troy answered.

"Maybe more in Pierce's case," Jeff added.

They all nodded, looking at Pierce, who had not heard them and was trying to open a bag of Let's potato chips.

"So, what? I've farted on every one of you. All seven," Chang said, pointing at each of them individually. "Three months in the making."

There was a slight pause where the group processed this information.

"Why would it take you three months?" Annie asked with incredulity. "I mean, there's only 7 of us. That should only take—"

"One day, tops," added Troy.

"Well, I was going to say one month," she said, judging him.

"Look, unlike the two of you, I don't take farting on someone lightly. It requires a lot of planning, a proper diet, and a little bit of luck."

He moved closer to Annie, putting his face awkwardly near to hers. "Don't tell me you don't remember?"

She looked away uncomfortably.

"So, give me one of your candies, I'm not afraid."

Abed shrugged, and Chang passed the bag back to him after removing a candy.

"Everyone ready?"

"Now wait a minute," Pierce started. "I won't allow a white male not to be represented in this statistics pool. Who cares if a bunch of minorities like something?"

Everyone looked at him disgusted.

"What? Willy Wonka is white. He's the judge, isn't he?"

Abed nodded as if this were some sort of logical reasoning. Jeff took this moment to revisit the sweet memory of ten minutes ago. 

"So, you care about ethnicity but you're fine with no females being represented? We're only 50% of the population," Britta stated with defiance.

Everyone groaned. Pierce grabbed the bag without permission and took a candy. He popped one of the candies in his mouth, and Abed, Troy, and Chang followed suit.

A few seconds after eating, Jeff didn't see any change. But after a few seconds longer, he started to notice a slight difference. Their skin was slowly turning pink.

"Are you all okay?" Shirley cooed.

"I'm fine," Abed answered. "I just feel really hot, not like a fever, but my skin is hot. Fascinating."

By the time he'd finished speaking, their skin had all gone from pink to extremely red. It was an odd effect.

"Well, you're all really red."

"Chang, you look like a—" Jeff started.

"What?" he said accusingly. "A Chinese lantern?"

"Well, I guess, but—"

"Proven racist by the racist prover!" He shouted pointing at Jeff.

Pierce shifted uncomfortably again.

"I don't know," Pierce continued. "My balls are really sore. Is that a side effect? Do you guys feel that?"

The other three stared at him, shaking their heads. Jeff smiled, which unfortunately Abed noticed.

"You should get that checked out," Shirley said.

"What's the change like, Pierce?" Jeff teased.

"What?"

"Yeah," Britta added. "You might want to take more estrogen pills. Abed, has his cycle been regular?"

"I'll have to add him to my chart," Abed said, still looking at Jeff thoughtfully.

"Screw you guys," Pierce said getting up with his tray. His face was already diminishing in color, back to a soft pink. Jeff wondered if the effects of this candy had the same length as his. That didn't fit with the fart candies though, that was only a one-time effect. They must all be different.

"Well, those were a bust. That's definitely not enough of a Wonka-like characteristic. Back to the drawing board." Abed tossed the candies into a nearby trashcan and stood up from the table.

"Is that it?" Chang yelled after them as they walked away. "Boring."

As he left, Leonard walked over to the trash and picked them out.

"What're you going to do with those?" Annie asked.

"I think it'll help my coloring," he said thoughtfully.

"Well, everyone, this has been fun, but I've got an appointment with the Dean." 

….

"Dean-a-ling," Jeff said, knocking on the Dean's door. There was no answer, so he pushed it open.

The room was empty, and the Dean's usual giant stacks of paper lined his desk. Jeff glanced over to the closet. His plan had been to slip the Dean the candy and then go through that bad boy. Then he could leverage that knowledge should he ever need it. But without Craig, there was no point. He was also a little afraid what he would find in there.

Stepping out of the office, he wondered what he should do next. The dance he'd always been too embarrassed to ask Troy how to do? Cheat on all of his exams? Junk punch Leonard? There were so many possibilities, equally good and hard to choose from. Just like—he paused that thought. Annie was coming through the doors, looking down at a binder she was holding.

Just like women, he finished.

How had he not thought of this before? Here was something he could finally do without any consequence, repercussion, or judgment. And, most of all, without anyone knowing. Not even Annie.

"Annie," he hissed at her from the Dean's office.

She looked up startled.

"Yes?"

"Come in here, I need your help with something."

He stepped aside as she came in and shut the door behind her. He checked the blinds to make sure they were all closed. Of course they were, this was the Dean's office after all.

"So, what is it?"

"I didn't want to tell you at lunch, but your breadth—"" she slapped her hand over her mouth. "—it could be better."

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," she said behind her hand.

"Here, take this breath mint."

He handed her one of the lemon drops. He pressed the black button on his watch as she quickly took it and swallowed.

"I hope that's better," she said.

He took a step closer. She looked a bit alarmed.

"Let me check it out."

This was one of his oldest lines, but he had no shame in using it again. At least, she didn't seem to recognize it. One of the few perks of getting older was that younger generations weren't familiar with the tried and true creepy come-ons.

Annie looked around and, after a somewhat extended internal battle, leaned in towards him. Pursing her lips, she blew her breath on his face.

What Jeff had expected was post lunch breath, nothing too appetizing, maybe stale tomatoes and old potato chips. Knowing his lemon drops had no sort of breath fixing quality, he was unprepared for what came next. It was mint chocolate. The kind they put on his pillow at hotels or when he one leaving a restaurant. Why did that smell so good?

It reminded him of something else, too. It was the transfer dance.

It had been so long, years even, since he had last kissed her. But, he wouldn't lie to himself, he had always hoped it would happen again. Despite having taken often drastic measures to avoid it, he'd hoped that somehow, maybe in some sort of apocalyptic scenario, he would get to indulge himself once more.

He inadvertently glanced towards her mouth and moved forward. He kissed her softly at first, before involuntarily deepening it. Her lips were so soft, no flavored chapstick today. This close, he could smell her shampoo, he lifted his hand into her thick black hair, pushing his fingers across her neck.

She wasn't as responsive as she had been four years ago, but she was definitely kissing him back. He could tell she was breathing faster and seemingly holding herself back. He didn't like that. His other hand wandered to her lower back, intent to bring her even closer, but she suddenly pulled away.

"Wait, what?" she said exasperated, shaking her head.

It took him a moment to respond. Wow, was he actually flustered? Maybe he'd wanted this a bit more than he expected. Why did it have to stop so quickly?

"What's wrong?"

"What do you mean 'what's wrong?' You just kissed me."

Obviously.

"You didn't want me to?"

"Are you serious? This is totally out of nowhere."

"Is it, though?" he said with a bit more condescension than he intended.

She began to look very disgruntled.

"Oh come on, you never admit to have feelings… like that."

He just stared at her.

"And when you do," oh now she was getting started, "you dance around it. I can't count the number of times you've sent me mixed signals and now this? I'm not a toy."

"Woah, I do not think that—"

"I am not a booty call. I don't want to be some dirty little secret."

As shocked as he was at this response, he couldn't completely blame her. This was, however, not his plan for his short 57 seconds.

"Well, what do you want?"

His watch alarm goes off.

"Damn it," he said quietly to himself.

"I don't know, not this."

"Do you want to go to dinner?"

She looked so surprised, he wasn't sure if his suggestion was a good or a bad thing. But then her face changed, the tension drained out, she became her normal cheerful, beautiful… self.

She looked at him. "What was it you wanted?"

He clenched his jaw looking at her. Should he ask again? God, he didn't know. He heaved an enormous sigh.

"Nevermind," he grumbled.

He stepped around her without any more explanation, throwing the door open.

He was so angry with himself. He'd thought he was going to get almost a full minute of making out, and he got 10 seconds tops, and 45 seconds of arguing? Why did Annie have to… "Annie" everything?

Not paying attention, he clipped Leonard, knocking a textbook out of his hand.

"Hey!"

"Life isn't fair, Leonard!"


End file.
